When rejection is welcome

Not all people are nice.

We were all born good and innocent, I agree with that. Still, some of us grow up to be complete assholes. There's no need to pretend otherwise.

So, no, I don't like everyone, simply because they exist. I respect all human beings and give everyone a chance, or at least I try really hard to. But when I see a traitor, a pathological liar or a hypocrite, I don't pretend to look at Gandhi.

I like very few people. Those who consistently demonstrate that they live by the values I observe as well.

Being excluded by some groups comes as a compliment. They confirm I have not forgotten what is important in life.

Compassion is so rare

In the time when needing is shameful and anything but perfect is a turnoff, compassion as an essential interpersonal skill has become dramatically neglected. Socially desirable interactions revolve exclusively around the positive, no matter what people want, think or feel. How are you is a formality and any other answer than fine makes the interlocutor uncomfortable. And we cannot afford putting others in a weird spot in this pleasure dominated age, so we hide or split into two Selves, the popular one and the other.

We meet, we talk, but we say nothing.

We spend tremendous amounts of time in the same schools, neighborhoods and workplaces, yet we know nothing about each other.

In a place with seven billion of us, it’s never been so hard to really talk to someone.

Public service announcement: being alone is OK!

Today I had a great day (I’ll admit it, a nap in the afternoon would have made it even better). I mean, a one of those really good days when you wake up energized, positive and relaxed, when you get to do the zillion little things you only have time for during the weekend and enjoy every minute of it. As I sat down in the food court of a mall waiting for my delicious smoothie to be made, I noticed that I was the only one sitting alone at the table. And it dawned on me that not only did I look alone, I was alone! And that, and this was the big blow, it didn’t feel bad at all!!!

Acceptance: a guide to getting it right for naives and hypocrites

A few days ago I had an argument with a friend. She got very passionate about the point she was trying to make, and I asked her to lower her voice and use softer words, so we can continue the exchange of opinions in a hospitable manner. ‘Why would you say that?”, she paused with a hurt expression on her face. ‘Why can’t you accept me for who I am?”.

I did accept her, to a certain limit. Had she not changed her approach, I would have left the room.

Rejecting an argument or an attitude is not equal to rejecting the person
I still appreciate my friend’s many qualities even if I won’t have her shout at me. I know how uncomfortable it feels to have someone disagree with you, but we need it and we should welcome it. Feeling bad about someone contradicting us is not their problem (even when they do it for the mere pleasure of upsetting us), it is ours. We need to let go of the I-must-be-always-right-otherwise-I-am-a-crappy-person illusion.

Acceptance is always conditioned
Thinking otherwise would be naïve and counterproductive. Parents accept their children if they eat their vegetables. If they look both sides before crossing the street. If they stay in school. If they have the right friends. If they marry well. If they love parents back. And so forth. Children are less demanding. They will accept their parents as long as they are loved. As for all other types of relationships, the ‘if’ factor seems obvious to me.

We do it to others as well
Re-ci-pro-ci-ti-ty. We ask to be accepted while we reject others, you know, for who they are. Anyone who got a divorce knows what I mean.

Being accepted does not mean we can stop making efforts
Good, lasting relationships are always the result of persistent effort made by all sides. We may live with the different opinions or lifestyles of the others, but we still need to see them caring for us and trying to, at least, not make our lives harder than they already are. Not doing that might get you free to say or do whatever you want, but you will do it all alone.

That’s what I tried to explain to my perplex friend yesterday. She didn’t like it, but I thought you might.

Relationships hurt. Duh!

I feel like an elephant sits on my chest.

While deep inside I believe we are all alone in this world, I am equally convinced that we cannot go through life entirely on our own. We need others. We need their love, and help, and encouragement. If people are indeed emotional onions then the core of the bulb is loneliness, but the scale leaves are the relationships with the others that provide us with the warmth and sense of being cared for that enables us to get out of bed every morning.

Every now and then one of the scale leaves turns rotten, and a painful decision must be made. Either you remove it at the cost of ripping yourself open, or you leave it and risk a fester.

In time I got really good at extracting bad leaves from my emotional bulb. No more bullies, no more life-sucking leaches allowed in my little garden. Yet a simple phone conversation with one who used to be so close to me still leaves short of breath.

Letting people in almost always ends in pain and disillusion. But there is no other way. We need people, and they need us. As Bono put it, we get to carry each other, well, I mean, you know, until we’re being dumped.